After more than one person has called me out and asking me whether I'm on drugs or not, the answer is NO! Say what you want, but I know and God knows and the people who believe me know I'm not on anything. I've never touched anything in my life when it comes to that. Yes, I've tried a sip of alcohol here and there, but that's the extent of my "drug" use. I don't have the desire to do anything of that nature and I don't need people assuming I do that.
To clarify things: Drug use does NOT make someone a "bad" person. I have people in my life that I love that do have addictions to these things. Does that make them a bad person? Hell no. It makes them human. We're all human. And the ones struggling with drugs are no less of a person than you. They're some of the best people I know. Most of them will admit to their faults and tell you straight up about what's going on. And that makes them alot better than most of us. Because we can't make that extra step to admit to our failures and mess-ups. I would trust more of them with my life than I would with those "perfect" people.
WE ALL HAVE ADDICTIONS! Read that again....... Yep, even you, Mr./Miss Perfect person..... I'll be the first to admit that I'm addicted to Facebook. Don't think that's a real addiction? It definitely is. Every time I pick up my phone, I touch that little Facebook app and the same used to be for twitter. You can't say you're not addicted to something, whether it be social media, drugs, material things, food, games, a person, etc. Addiction can be anything at all. And you try to tell me that being addicted to clothes isn't as bad as drugs? How? Oh right, clothes are legal. Who cares? Clothes cost money and clothes also carry the habit of making you think you're better than others just because you have a $50 pair of jeans while I have a $20 pair on.
Addiction is addiction. Take it how you want. Just remember that it doesn't matter what someone does. We are all the SAME. Most importantly, there isn't such a thing as good and bad. Because we all have good and bad in us. Good and bad are the same person. We all mess up and make mistakes. We're all human. God didn't make any of us perfect. And we'll all be tempted by something. Some will be able to fight that off while others will give in. But that just makes us human. And those who admit to making mistakes are heroes and fighters! It doesn't matter the amount of mistakes we make, it's that we get up every time and learn from them and try to do what will make our lives better for us and those we love.
So, the next time you think about judging someone because they sin differently than you, maybe you should look at yourself first and clean our your own closet. I'm sure they already battle themselves enough, they don't need your help.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Being Good Enough....
I am currently in a relationship where I am extremely happy. It's only been around 5 months since we've been together, but I feel like It's been so much longer than that. I love Kyle with all of my heart and I am so thankful he decided to give me a chance. I guess most people figured out quick that I fell for him pretty fast. All it took was one day of spending time with him and something in me just knew he was it. That was over 2 years ago... Yeah, it's been a while. I was so used to never getting the guy though. Whether it be that I ruined things because I opened my mouth without thinking or because the guy was just in it to try and use me, things just never went good for me when it came to the opposite sex. I guess that explains why I only dated one other guy previous to Kyle and why it didn't last long.
But like I said, with him things just always felt right. And they still do. I loved him while he was in a relationship with someone else, I loved him while he battled so many demons and I still love him while he's still fighting. Because the only other choice would be to give up on him and on us. And that's never been an option. He's worth all of it. Every minute of every day. And I know he could do so much better than me which makes me constantly grateful that he loves me and puts up with me when I'm constantly messing up and making a fool out of myself. he doesn't give up on me and that's all I've really needed. I just needed someone there that believed that I was good enough. Because I'm so used to everyone walking out the first time I mess up. It's hard to be strong when you always feel alone. I don't feel that way anymore though. With him, things just always feel good and it's hard for me to not be happy. I can be in the worst mood and he makes things better just by being there.
I've prayed alot when it comes to him. All those times when I thought nothing was going anywhere and I felt like the idiot who was wasting time loving a guy who would never want me, I always prayed about it. God always told me to stay where I was and not to give up. I didn't and I'm so glad I listened. In the end, it was definitely worth all the heartache and tears I went through. God told me I needed to stick around and that I shouldn't turn my back on him. I didn't at all and it was ultimately the best decision I could have made.
I guess in the end, it leaves a big burden on Kyle though. I know I'm difficult and hard to love. I mean, my own dad didn't walk out for no reason. Some of my friends didn't turn their backs on me without a reason. I make people angry and i say things I shouldn't. I hurt people with the actions I make when I don't think of the horrible consequences that go with it. Honestly, I know I'm a handful and it's gonna take a miracle for someone to be able to love me through all of that. But I really believe I found that person. I don't think God would tell me to stick around if he knew Kyle wouldn't be up to the challenge :) I believe with all my heart that God brought us together for so many reasons. (That would be a whole other post though to go through that.) We needed each other. We're good for each other. And even though Jesus is the ultimate lifesaver, I think God makes soulmates because he knows we need a little bit of an extra lifesaver down here too. :)
I know there's always going to be times in my life where I won't feel good enough.... I'll feel like the whole world is better than me and I'll cry and complain and say that I hate myself. But at the end of the day, I'll always remember that it's all a lie. Things are so much better now than they used to be.
God gave me a wonderful gift and I'll always be thankful. Kyle came at just the right time when I needed someone most. He helped in so many ways to keep my life from falling apart. He helped me believe in myself. He helped bring me and my dad back together. He also helped me and my mom get a little closer. Most importantly, he made me realize that I really and truly do need God in my life. He's shown me what's important and I'll never forget that.
But like I said, with him things just always felt right. And they still do. I loved him while he was in a relationship with someone else, I loved him while he battled so many demons and I still love him while he's still fighting. Because the only other choice would be to give up on him and on us. And that's never been an option. He's worth all of it. Every minute of every day. And I know he could do so much better than me which makes me constantly grateful that he loves me and puts up with me when I'm constantly messing up and making a fool out of myself. he doesn't give up on me and that's all I've really needed. I just needed someone there that believed that I was good enough. Because I'm so used to everyone walking out the first time I mess up. It's hard to be strong when you always feel alone. I don't feel that way anymore though. With him, things just always feel good and it's hard for me to not be happy. I can be in the worst mood and he makes things better just by being there.
I've prayed alot when it comes to him. All those times when I thought nothing was going anywhere and I felt like the idiot who was wasting time loving a guy who would never want me, I always prayed about it. God always told me to stay where I was and not to give up. I didn't and I'm so glad I listened. In the end, it was definitely worth all the heartache and tears I went through. God told me I needed to stick around and that I shouldn't turn my back on him. I didn't at all and it was ultimately the best decision I could have made.
I guess in the end, it leaves a big burden on Kyle though. I know I'm difficult and hard to love. I mean, my own dad didn't walk out for no reason. Some of my friends didn't turn their backs on me without a reason. I make people angry and i say things I shouldn't. I hurt people with the actions I make when I don't think of the horrible consequences that go with it. Honestly, I know I'm a handful and it's gonna take a miracle for someone to be able to love me through all of that. But I really believe I found that person. I don't think God would tell me to stick around if he knew Kyle wouldn't be up to the challenge :) I believe with all my heart that God brought us together for so many reasons. (That would be a whole other post though to go through that.) We needed each other. We're good for each other. And even though Jesus is the ultimate lifesaver, I think God makes soulmates because he knows we need a little bit of an extra lifesaver down here too. :)
I know there's always going to be times in my life where I won't feel good enough.... I'll feel like the whole world is better than me and I'll cry and complain and say that I hate myself. But at the end of the day, I'll always remember that it's all a lie. Things are so much better now than they used to be.
God gave me a wonderful gift and I'll always be thankful. Kyle came at just the right time when I needed someone most. He helped in so many ways to keep my life from falling apart. He helped me believe in myself. He helped bring me and my dad back together. He also helped me and my mom get a little closer. Most importantly, he made me realize that I really and truly do need God in my life. He's shown me what's important and I'll never forget that.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
C'mon, Destroy Everything I Used To Be.
It's been over two months since I've written anything on here. I won't lie, I completely forgot about this blog because so much craziness has been going on and I haven't had time to write anything.
I guess I can start by talking about the major screwing up I've done in the past two months. If my parents didn't think I'd have my "teenager" stage, well they were wrong. I'm currently living it. It's getting ridiculous how one bad things after another keeps happening. I'm trying my best to get back on my feet, but it seems that for every one step i take, i get pushed back 20 steps. I'm not discouraged though. I know things will work out just fine. I just have to give it some time. I gotta get through the bad to deserve the good, right??
I am currently just a year a half away from graduating..... I'm so amazed that I've made it this far. I have been blessed to be able to have this opportunity, but I still feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't know where I should be really, but I doubt it's here. I'm finishing and graduating with this degree though. I have to do it for my family. It's important to them and it's the one thing I can do to make them proud of me. What do I really wish I was doing right now? Simple. I wish I was in New York City. I fell in love with that place so fast. I read a quote that reminded me of that..... "You can fall in love at first sight with a place as with a person." - Alex Waugh. So true. I can't wait to go back. It's the one place that I felt I belonged.....
Church... What can I say? I haven't been in SOOOO long. I miss it every Sunday. It was such a big part of my life and I've had to work instead. It definitely sucks. I'm in the process of finding a new job that allows me to go to church again. It's definitely something I have to do. I just hate that the one thing that made me so happy is the one thing I'm not able to do anymore.... But I need the money so what am I supposed to do???
I'm just ready for 2012 to be over with... 2013 HAS to be better than this.....
I guess I can start by talking about the major screwing up I've done in the past two months. If my parents didn't think I'd have my "teenager" stage, well they were wrong. I'm currently living it. It's getting ridiculous how one bad things after another keeps happening. I'm trying my best to get back on my feet, but it seems that for every one step i take, i get pushed back 20 steps. I'm not discouraged though. I know things will work out just fine. I just have to give it some time. I gotta get through the bad to deserve the good, right??
I am currently just a year a half away from graduating..... I'm so amazed that I've made it this far. I have been blessed to be able to have this opportunity, but I still feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't know where I should be really, but I doubt it's here. I'm finishing and graduating with this degree though. I have to do it for my family. It's important to them and it's the one thing I can do to make them proud of me. What do I really wish I was doing right now? Simple. I wish I was in New York City. I fell in love with that place so fast. I read a quote that reminded me of that..... "You can fall in love at first sight with a place as with a person." - Alex Waugh. So true. I can't wait to go back. It's the one place that I felt I belonged.....
Church... What can I say? I haven't been in SOOOO long. I miss it every Sunday. It was such a big part of my life and I've had to work instead. It definitely sucks. I'm in the process of finding a new job that allows me to go to church again. It's definitely something I have to do. I just hate that the one thing that made me so happy is the one thing I'm not able to do anymore.... But I need the money so what am I supposed to do???
I'm just ready for 2012 to be over with... 2013 HAS to be better than this.....
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I Love Things You Don't Understand.
Tonight at RUF, there was a valid point made. We want everyone else to love the things that we love. That brought the immediate response to my head of: I want everyone to love the people I love. It's the truth and I think most people will agree they're the exact same way. I love things and people both that others don't see the point in loving.
Bands: I love these bands that nobody around me knows. Do I care? No, of course not. I brag and brag about them and people get tired of hearing about them, but I really don't care. Music is something I love and it's a subject I hold close to my heart. I don't expect people to love the bands I love, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that they really don't like them at all. It's amazing how much those bands' music have helped me when I felt so alone....
People: I love some people so much that it honestly scares me at times. I guess I'll start off with Kyle. He's the easiest person to fit into this category of love I have I guess. I'd do anything for him and I have done so much. I love him more than words can ever say and I hope he knows that. I've prayed for him and cried for him. I've laughed and smiled so much because of him. He made me see the world in such a different way. He makes me want to be a better person. And I just don't understand how people can't love him. He's changed my life in so many ways. And I want everyone to love him. I talk about him to everyone. I'm sure if you're reading this and talked to me in the past year, you've heard about him more than one. Yep, I love him and I'm not afraid to admit that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never realized that I could love with such intensity. I was always afraid and worried about what others would say. I don't care about that anymore and I'm so thankful that God placed these things and people in my life for me to love. It's amazing how beautiful the world is when you love.
Bands: I love these bands that nobody around me knows. Do I care? No, of course not. I brag and brag about them and people get tired of hearing about them, but I really don't care. Music is something I love and it's a subject I hold close to my heart. I don't expect people to love the bands I love, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that they really don't like them at all. It's amazing how much those bands' music have helped me when I felt so alone....
People: I love some people so much that it honestly scares me at times. I guess I'll start off with Kyle. He's the easiest person to fit into this category of love I have I guess. I'd do anything for him and I have done so much. I love him more than words can ever say and I hope he knows that. I've prayed for him and cried for him. I've laughed and smiled so much because of him. He made me see the world in such a different way. He makes me want to be a better person. And I just don't understand how people can't love him. He's changed my life in so many ways. And I want everyone to love him. I talk about him to everyone. I'm sure if you're reading this and talked to me in the past year, you've heard about him more than one. Yep, I love him and I'm not afraid to admit that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never realized that I could love with such intensity. I was always afraid and worried about what others would say. I don't care about that anymore and I'm so thankful that God placed these things and people in my life for me to love. It's amazing how beautiful the world is when you love.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
A New Start. A New Beginning.
Many things have been happening since the beginning of this year. I never thought there would be so many changes since January. I guess I better explain myself.
#1 - I finally found the place where I feel home. NYC was amazing and I can't wait to go back one day. I loved the sense of freedom that I've never felt in this stupid state I've been forced to live in since birth.
#2 - I lost the one person who gave me hope for my messed up family. Losing Pa was one of the most devastating things I've ever been through. Watching him go down so quickly broke my heart. I miss him with all of my heart, but I know he's having a wonderful time where he's at. With him gone, our family is falling apart. I have to break away though. I'll play no part in the ending of that. I won't do it.
#3 - I've fallen for someone and had my heart broken when they decided they didn't feel the same. But I still love them with all of my heart and I pray for them daily that they find the happiness they long for and deserve. I love them with all of my heart and I hope they know that. I'll always be here for them and help them in any way I can <3
#4 - I've learned that I'm a very strong woman. I was a strong child growing up and I had alot of responsibility thrown on me at such a young age. I'm strong. I know I can take care of myself, but I'd rather not face this world alone. Which is why I'm so thankful for the few wonderful people who I know that I can always count on. They have my back even when someone who is supposed to love me doesn't even care anymore. That's what matters. They love me even though they don't have to.
This year has been an adventure in itself and I can't wait to see what the next 4 months hold....
#1 - I finally found the place where I feel home. NYC was amazing and I can't wait to go back one day. I loved the sense of freedom that I've never felt in this stupid state I've been forced to live in since birth.
#2 - I lost the one person who gave me hope for my messed up family. Losing Pa was one of the most devastating things I've ever been through. Watching him go down so quickly broke my heart. I miss him with all of my heart, but I know he's having a wonderful time where he's at. With him gone, our family is falling apart. I have to break away though. I'll play no part in the ending of that. I won't do it.
#3 - I've fallen for someone and had my heart broken when they decided they didn't feel the same. But I still love them with all of my heart and I pray for them daily that they find the happiness they long for and deserve. I love them with all of my heart and I hope they know that. I'll always be here for them and help them in any way I can <3
#4 - I've learned that I'm a very strong woman. I was a strong child growing up and I had alot of responsibility thrown on me at such a young age. I'm strong. I know I can take care of myself, but I'd rather not face this world alone. Which is why I'm so thankful for the few wonderful people who I know that I can always count on. They have my back even when someone who is supposed to love me doesn't even care anymore. That's what matters. They love me even though they don't have to.
This year has been an adventure in itself and I can't wait to see what the next 4 months hold....
Monday, August 27, 2012
Good Vs. Bad
Over the weekend, I realized so many things that were right in front of me. Things that involved the idea of good and bad being able to exist in a single person. I've always known that, but I actually had to see it firsthand to finally get it. I always tried to see the good in people and I always will. They can be the most screwed up individual in the world and I'll only find the good. It's just how I am.
I met someone that is a wonderful person. They are not only full of life, but speak what's on their mind. I enjoyed getting to know this person. We joked around, but also had serious conversations all in the course of one night. It was wonderful and I loved being able to do that.
That leads me to the discussion of good vs. bad. Think of the worst possible scenario. Then think of the greatest. Put those two together and that's the kind of person I met. Even though I saw all of the bad, I saw the good more. It made me realize that there is ALWAYS good in a person. Whether you ever see it or not, I do. Everyone makes mistakes, but they're all still great people.
I'm not the best person, but I try to do the right things. I try to help people before I help myself. Most of the time, that backfires. I still do it though. I refuse to change who I am just because it hurts me.
I met someone that is a wonderful person. They are not only full of life, but speak what's on their mind. I enjoyed getting to know this person. We joked around, but also had serious conversations all in the course of one night. It was wonderful and I loved being able to do that.
That leads me to the discussion of good vs. bad. Think of the worst possible scenario. Then think of the greatest. Put those two together and that's the kind of person I met. Even though I saw all of the bad, I saw the good more. It made me realize that there is ALWAYS good in a person. Whether you ever see it or not, I do. Everyone makes mistakes, but they're all still great people.
I'm not the best person, but I try to do the right things. I try to help people before I help myself. Most of the time, that backfires. I still do it though. I refuse to change who I am just because it hurts me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Truth Won't Pass Your Lips.
Things aren't very good at the moment. I have successfully (up until today) put my insecurities and negative thoughts aside for a while. I have tried to play things off like I am super happy and that life is just wonderful. Wrong. Today that all changed. Honestly, I'm tired of pretending and I don't really care who hates my negativity. At the moment, that's how I am. If you don't like it, then goodbye.
I'm stuck in this crazy place that I can't seem to get out of. I've tried everything. I've cried, laughed, gotten mad..... I've tried to block it out. Yet, I always come back to the same place. I try to talk to God. I've tried to bargain with myself. It's done nothing.... The sad fact is that I'm in love with someone who will never ever ever want anything to do with me. I've tried to move on. I've had months to do it when he's not been talking to me. I've had time to tell myself that I'm better off, but I know that's a lie. He made me feel things nobody else ever did. Then he just gave it all up because I wasn't good enough by his standards. I wasn't her. I wasn't his "type." Do you know how stupid I feel every time I think about it? I thought I was good enough because he was more than good enough for me. I loved all the good and I loved the bad too. I felt like everything was going so well. I guess I was just getting played. Actually, I don't believe that at all. I think he really cared and then he freaked out. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe I really just wasn't good enough. I won't ever give up on him though. I've loved him for so long. Hell, i liked him the first day I actually spent time with him. I've been caught up in him from that first day. I never had a chance.
I guess it's safe to say that I know what I want and I don't feel the need to settle for anything less. I know that it probably won't ever happen, but I just don't care. People can be disappointed in me all they want. Your lack of faith in me doesn't matter. I don't need any of you if you can't support the one thing that actually made sense to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNxX2N4D_Aw&feature=BFa&list=FLvFZxlBLfZmgbref-HB2Qbg
I'm stuck in this crazy place that I can't seem to get out of. I've tried everything. I've cried, laughed, gotten mad..... I've tried to block it out. Yet, I always come back to the same place. I try to talk to God. I've tried to bargain with myself. It's done nothing.... The sad fact is that I'm in love with someone who will never ever ever want anything to do with me. I've tried to move on. I've had months to do it when he's not been talking to me. I've had time to tell myself that I'm better off, but I know that's a lie. He made me feel things nobody else ever did. Then he just gave it all up because I wasn't good enough by his standards. I wasn't her. I wasn't his "type." Do you know how stupid I feel every time I think about it? I thought I was good enough because he was more than good enough for me. I loved all the good and I loved the bad too. I felt like everything was going so well. I guess I was just getting played. Actually, I don't believe that at all. I think he really cared and then he freaked out. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe I really just wasn't good enough. I won't ever give up on him though. I've loved him for so long. Hell, i liked him the first day I actually spent time with him. I've been caught up in him from that first day. I never had a chance.
I guess it's safe to say that I know what I want and I don't feel the need to settle for anything less. I know that it probably won't ever happen, but I just don't care. People can be disappointed in me all they want. Your lack of faith in me doesn't matter. I don't need any of you if you can't support the one thing that actually made sense to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNxX2N4D_Aw&feature=BFa&list=FLvFZxlBLfZmgbref-HB2Qbg
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