I can't be the strong one.

My family is probably the most dysfunctional messed up family you will ever meet. They don't love each other and they only want conflict. I can't stand it anymore. I'm done trying to be the one to fix everything and keep this family together. Because you wanna know a secret? I'm not strong. I am broken and always will be unless I can get away from all this craziness. I'm tired of being depressed. I don't wanna be miserable anymore. I want to be happy. And I don't think I'm asking for much. I just wanna be happy for a little longer than one night. It's sad because I thought family was supposed to bring the happiness, but instead they're bringing me trouble.

I almost did something stupid today. I was just going to keep driving and driving until I decided to stop. Why didn't I? Because I almost closed my eyes and just let go of the wheel. I thought for one split second, "hey, why not just let whatever happens, happen?". Because honestly, I don't feel like I belong in the time. I feel like I should have been born decades ago. I wanted a way out and it's crossed my mind so many times before. Going down the road and thinking "What would happen if i just opened the door and fell out" or "I wonder if I'd get killed in a head on collision"? It's terrible that these thoughts run thru my mind so often but I can't stop them. For a while, I was doing great. Everything seemed to be getting better. But I was only kidding myself. My life is nothing but a whirlwind of bad! When will it ever stop? I have no clue.

Times like this is when I miss Daniel. I usually wouldn't admit it, but I'm trying to be as truthful as I can be on this thing. I miss him so much. Because to me, he felt like a life saver. He was always there for me and he took care of me more than I ever realized. He had my back thru so much. But somehow I ruined that friendship and it haunts me everyday. I just wanna be friends with him again. That'll never happen though. Once someone forgets about you, it's impossible to change their mind.

Today has just been a crappy day. Glad I could vent about it somewhere.