College: What It Means To Me.

For me, college hasn't been about finding a career. It's been about finding myself. It made me realize that I really am just a small speck on this earth that many people will forget about. I'm going to mess up time and time again and those that remember those screw ups will still love me for me. I don't have to try to be perfect because everyone knows I'm not. I don't always have to be the strong one because I'm weaker than most anybody I know. I can cry if I want and I can laugh. I can do what I want.

Funny thing is, I get my joy from seeing other people happy. Rarely do I smile because of my good fortune. No, I see good things going on for other people and it makes my day. For example, when I go and see shows and those bands are up there playing their heart out, I'm happy because I can see the happiness on their faces. It's what they love and that makes it all worth it. I see my grandma get excited over her gospel group and it makes me happy. Other people's happiness means more to me than my own.

I'm not saying that I'm changing myself for anyone to like me. Because I'm not. But I am going to change those things I hate about myself. Because I know I need to love myself. I know that's it's the only way for me to be truly happy. I'm tired of looking on the bright side for everyone else and then not doing it for me. Nobody's better than me. My self-esteem tells me otherwise, but I really don't care. I'm going to fight whatever this is. Because I want to be a better person for myself and for everyone around me.

I'm still fighting through some things, but I know it's worth it. I have a great family and good friends. I'm not going to run away anymore. Because I see where that got me. Good things are in my life and I'm almost determined to ruin them. Stupid, stupid me. Why can't I just let things happen? Oh yeah, that fear I have. I'm going to face this fear though. It's funny how the one thing that feels right to me is the one thing I'm most afraid of. I'm going to push through it though.


 I'm going to make something out of myself one day. "Cause I know I'm good for something. I just haven't found it yet." - Mayday Parade