A Thousand Miles Away From You.

I don't know what made me want to write this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm done trying to keep my thoughts inside when I have perfectly good reason to use this blog.

I read someone else's blog that made me realize how much I'm not alone in my problems I've had. Because, while I'm past most of those problems, there are people in this world that are still going through them. Which is why I'm going to offer my support and love to them when needed and wanted. I know what it feels like to be completely alone in a world where others surround you, but don't ever really see you. Sometimes, I still feel that way and I don't ever want anyone else to feel the same.

I've had my share of problems. Whether it be family problems or guy problems, you decide. I've come to terms with most of it and will likely tell you any story you want to know about. You want to know about the first time I ever really understood what loving someone other than family was? I can tell you. You want to know how I dealt with horrible things? I can tell you that too. You want to know how I can forgive people for the most unforgivable things? i can tell you all about that as well. Like I said, I've been through my share of problems and I know they'll continue to happen my whole life. Which is where this post is taking me. What do I want in life? I'll tell you.

The first thing I want in my life is stability. No, I don't want things to stay the same. But I do want stability when it comes to my friendships. I want friends that are going to stand by me even when I'm at my worst because I'm there so often. I have a couple of friends like that which I'm thankful for. I want stability in love. I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've had my heart torn apart more than once and I'm still willing to let love in when it's truly supposed to be there. Am I regretful for my past? No, I'm very thankful for everything that happened. Especially when it comes to love. Because I know I'm capable of loving unconditionally and that makes me very excited for the future.

I guess what I'm really getting at is the fact that I'm done trying to find someone to love. I never realized I was doing it. Was it because it was expected of me to stay on top of the imaginary game of life people are all playing? I have no idea. Don't get me wrong. Every guy that I've had feelings for has been true. They've all taught me valuable things. But they obviously weren't the right guy for me, even if I can't understand that when it comes to certain people. Maybe it's because there's someone out there that's better for me. Someone that's going to understand me and deal with me being weird 99% of the time. Someone that's going to be able to handle my obsession with band guys and the need to see the same few bands OVER AND OVER again. Someone that understands the connection I have with certain people that they just can't break. Someone that's going to love me even through all the crazy things I say and do. Someone that's going to be ok with my twilight/vampire addiction. Someone that's going to help me grow in my walk with the Lord, not turn me against it.

I'm not gonna settle for someone who can't accept me for just the way I am. I'm not going to change unless I want to. I'm going to change for me, not for you. What I'm saying is that I want a love that doesn't need tons of work. Because love shouldn't have to be work. Love should just be love. It should be something that feels right and that belongs with you. Love with someone should be a stability, not something you can just throw away. Which is why I'm not going to rush into anything because I'm going to know when something's right, when something belongs in my life.

For right now, I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to make new friends, do awesome in college, and love my family. I'm going to go to shows and I'm going to feed my vampire addiction with crazy books that people tell me not to read. I'm going to be me, with or without your approval.