Today, I've thought about my past quite a bit. Did I want to? No, of course not. Thinking about "them" makes me feel even more insecure about things. I went through crap because of them. Yes, I got myself into those situations, but I didn't know that's how it was going to be.
#1 - Jason. Ah, the start of my downward fall. He was a good person. He wasn't very mature obviously. I allowed him to mess with my head for close to four years. I loved him. He broke my heart and we never dated. That's a good thing though. He crushed me and I can just imagine how bad it would have been if we were actually together. I still panic when I think there's a chance I could see him. I don't ever want to see him again.
#2 - I'd talk about the other 2 but I don't feel like it. I'm currently working on being friends with one of them. It's going well. I just wish he'd get over the idea that we could end up together again. Not going to happen. Sorry. I tried that twice. Not going back. I want to be friends with him though. He was a nice friend before he decided to use me. Seriously.
#3 - I'm currently in a situation where I like my friend. I've liked him for a while. No, I love him. I'm not crazy when I say that. He's one of the greatest people I know. In love? No.... We're just friends for now. I'm okay with that. Actually, no I'm not. I want to be around him all the time. ALL THE TIME. He makes me so happy. I feel important around him. For the longest time, I felt completely alone. He walked back into my life and made everything alot better. I know he's not the solution to that. But I love having him around. He's talking about moving to Florida. I cry every time I think about that. I don't even get to see him that much now. I just really can't even explain how I feel about him without sounding crazy. I just thank God every day for him because I know I don't even deserve him as a friend. He's truly a blessing in my life.
#4 - I guess this all brings it back around to the idea that I feel like I keep repeating history. I know things are different now. I'm such an insecure person though. I let stupid people ruin me for life I guess. Most of the time, I feel like I'm so unworthy of anything. Most of all, I feel like I'm unworthy of love. I don't even understand why my family loves me. It's a sucky situation to be in, but I'm trying to work through it. It's not going so well obviously.... I know things will get better though. Maybe. Hopefully.
I'm going to shut up now... I'm depressing.
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