Like A Soldier.

My life is a mess at the moment. Things are finally coming to a close and new things are starting. I'm freaking out.... Typical Tiphanie behavior. I'm not talking to anyone about it either. That's also typical of me. I feel like the only time I can talk about it is when I write. Maybe it's because I don't have to say it out loud. Or maybe it's because I can erase the evidence if I have to. If I say it, it becomes real though. Some of these things hurt too much to talk about out loud. That's why I'm so thankful to God that he gave us the ability to write. I need it.

I guess I can start out by talking about my current money situation. I'm trying to help people out with their financial issues when I know I shouldn't. I don't even know how I'm going to afford my rent up until August anymore. I can't help the people I really do need to help with finances because I don't have enough money as it is. I'm stressing out because I don't know what to do.

Honestly, my grandpa is getting really bad. I know he's almost 80, but he's always been there for me. When my dad left, I had Pa there. He's ALWAYS been there. I'm watching him slowly change into someone we don't know. He's having trouble and it hurts me to see him like that. This might sound selfish, but I need him around for as long as possible. My heart can't take any more hurt than it's getting now. I can't lose one of the most important people in my life. I just can't.....

I can't really write much about the other thing.... One reason is because one of the people is a facebook friend and if he somehow found his way to this post, he'd know. He would know that some part of me is still wanting him. That can't happen. Because that part of me is so small. I don't even think that I want him. I think I want the way I felt about him... But I don't want that with him anymore... There's someone in my life now that I love so much. I can't even begin to tell you. He means alot to me....

Saturday is going to be tough. It's the day that something ends for me..... I haven't really talked to anyone about it because I don't know how to make them understand.... I don't even understand....

Despite my emotional collapse, I'm doing so well in school. I have no idea how. I give all the credit to God because he's pulling some major strings in my messed up mind. He's giving me the ability to do well when I should be dropping out of college. I'm here for a reason. He's made that clear.

But as MCR would say...."I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone...."