What A Week.

This past week has been crazy. I messed up big time. I won't write details here because I still feel really stupid about it and because it's between me and someone else. Not for your eyes to read. Sorry. But.... I realized a lot of things because of it. Crazy how the most horrible situation bring good things to light.

Because of my lack of good self-esteem, I decided to compare someone really important to me to all the stupid jerks who hurt me in the past. Dumb move. This resulted in craziness. I pretty much thought I messed up everything. Talk about upset. I cried for days. The only time I wasn't crying was when I was sleeping. No joke. It was bad. I had to tell myself I was stupid over and over again. I had to make sure I understood that my actions potentially ruined one of the best things in my life. Luckily, it didn't. Which I am so thankful for. You might tell me that I shouldn't have beat myself up over it, but it had to happen. Honestly, I had to get it through  my head that the past is in the past and I can't worry about it anymore. I was letting it control my every thought. It was just a nightmare. I know to not let that happen anymore though. I've learned that I have amazing things in my life now. I can't keep pushing people away. I can't hurt them just because I was hurt a few times. I have to remember the golden rule.

Talking about the golden rule..... Oh what a shock for me.... In case you didn't notice, I decided I was done caring about certain people in my life. Aka my dad. That was stupid. I know he's not the best dad. Heck, he's screwed up more times than I even know about. He doesn't get that I need one on one time or whatever. But i had put it in my head that he didn't care about me. I'm so wrong. I know he loves me and he just doesn't show it in the way I want it to be shown. I have to learn to just accept him for who he is. Even if he is changing a lot now. I have to love him. That's all I have to do. I also have to get him to realize that I'm not a child anymore. Sure, I'm his child, but he can't control who I'm around. He really should just give up the idea of trying to make me stay away from people. I mean, seriously?! I know you're looking out for me, but come on. I mean, I am a lot more level headed than he was at this age. I know who to be around and who not to be around. The fact that he has a problem with someone I really love is just devastating to me. I don't really know what the problem is, but he's going to just have to get over it. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm not going to walk away from someone I love, whether he likes it or not. I don't do that. I love even when the person hates me. It's how my heart works. Maybe he's just scared that I'm going to grow up and leave him behind. I won't do that though. Never.

What did I learn this past week? That I'm a messed up individual. I hurt people with my word and actions. I disappoint people. But you know what? That's okay. I'm human. I'm going to mess up all the time. I know I'm not perfect. The people I care about know that too. That's why they forgive me with open arms. It might take a few days, but they do. I don't know why, but they love me. That's all I need. Love.