Being Good Enough....

I am currently in a relationship where I am extremely happy. It's only been around 5 months since we've been together, but I feel like It's been so much longer than that. I love Kyle with all of my heart and I am so thankful he decided to give me a chance. I guess most people figured out quick that I fell for him pretty fast. All it took was one day of spending time with him and something in me just knew he was it. That was over 2 years ago... Yeah, it's been a while. I was so used to never getting the guy though. Whether it be that I ruined things because I opened my mouth without thinking or because the guy was just in it to try and use me, things just never went good for me when it came to the opposite sex. I guess that explains why I only dated one other guy previous to Kyle and why it didn't last long.

But like I said, with him things just always felt right. And they still do. I loved him while he was in a relationship with someone else, I loved him while he battled so many demons and I still love him while he's still fighting. Because the only other choice would be to give up on him and on us. And that's never been an option. He's worth all of it. Every minute of every day. And I know he could do so much better than me which makes me constantly grateful that he loves me and puts up with me when I'm constantly messing up and making a fool out of myself. he doesn't give up on me and that's all I've really needed. I just needed someone there that believed that I was good enough. Because I'm so used to everyone walking out the first time I mess up. It's hard to be strong when you always feel alone. I don't feel that way anymore though. With him, things just always feel good and it's hard for me to not be happy. I can be in the worst mood and he makes things better just by being there.

I've prayed alot when it comes to him. All those times when I thought nothing was going anywhere and I felt like the idiot who was wasting time loving a guy who would never want me, I always prayed about it. God always told me to stay where I was and not to give up. I didn't and I'm so glad I listened. In the end, it was definitely worth all the heartache and tears I went through. God told me I needed to stick around and that I shouldn't turn my back on him. I didn't at all and it was ultimately the best decision I could have made.

I guess in the end, it leaves a big burden on Kyle though. I know I'm difficult and hard to love. I mean, my own dad didn't walk out for no reason. Some of my friends didn't turn their backs on me without a reason. I make people angry and i say things I shouldn't. I hurt people with the actions I make when I don't think of the horrible consequences that go with it. Honestly, I know I'm a handful and it's gonna take a miracle for someone to be able to love me through all of that. But I really believe I found that person. I don't think God would tell me to stick around if he knew Kyle wouldn't be up to the challenge :) I believe with all my heart that God brought us together for so many reasons. (That would be a whole other post though to go through that.) We needed each other. We're good for each other. And even though Jesus is the ultimate lifesaver, I think God makes soulmates because he knows we need a little bit of an extra lifesaver down here too. :)


I know there's always going to be times in my life where I won't feel good enough.... I'll feel like the whole world is better than me and I'll cry and complain and say that I hate myself. But at the end of the day, I'll always remember that it's all a lie. Things are so much better now than they used to be.

God gave me a wonderful gift and I'll always be thankful. Kyle came at just the right time when I needed someone most. He helped in so many ways to keep my life from falling apart. He helped me believe in myself. He helped bring me and my dad back together. He also helped me and my mom get a little closer. Most importantly, he made me realize that I really and truly do need God in my life. He's shown me what's important and I'll never forget that.