I'm to the point where I feel like crying. I honestly don't know what's wrong. Well, I know what's wrong and I'm not in the mood to deal with it... ever. The thing bothering me most is that I feel like I'm just not good enough to be a christian. I know that nobody's perfect but I see all these people who seem so much better than me and really do live for christ and I feel like i'm just some joke to them. I don't understand it. I've been trying my hardest to trust God and to live for him, but I feel like the devil has once again taken control of some things.
Another thing bothering me is a certain thing I've been struggling with since I was 14. I thought that it didn't matter anymore and that I was over it. But it's just a habit and I can't forget about it. It'll always be a part of my life. Or should I say "they" will always be a part of my life. I'm ready to move on for good but it seems like when I have a problem, i fall right back into that what if stage.
On to the next thing... there's this person who seems to have an interest in me. Unfortunately, i do not want his attention and I get it anyway. I just want him to leave me alone and just regard me as someone unimportant. I'll be his friend but when i get stared at 24/7, well it starts to bother me. I don't need another problem like this. I finally got out of all the other million situations like this and i want it to stay that way forever. I keep playing it off like it doesn't bother me. but it really does. I'm not mentally stable enough to deal with someone's crazy antics. I'm done....
Right now, I feel like i ruined something pretty great. If only I would have had the time to step up and take a chance. but i didn't and i hate that. It's all I think about and it's driving me crazy. Because I put it behind me months ago and told myself i'd never look back. yet here i am... every day wondering how life would be if only i was given a little more time. I know it wasn't meant to be but i can't help but think it could have been the greatest thing of my life....
I feel like crying for a long long time. maybe it would make me feel better, maybe it wouldn't. But I feel like I need an escape from all of this. I can't deal with it anymore and I'm slowly getting to my breaking point....
No comments:
Post a Comment