My life has always seemed to be a little crazy. Whether it be family issues or issues I get into by myself, I always seem to have something going on. I tell people that I want a break, but I really don't. Because all the problems in my life are what keep me hopeful and are what keep me remembering that I am alive and not just going through the motions.
To start off, I had that feeling again that I wasn't a good enough christian. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again and I feel like I never learn from them. Well, tonight in RUF we read about Abraham. And I've come to realize that even a man of God such as him made mistakes over and over again. It doesn't make me feel so bad. Everyone makes mistakes and I just feel like mine are way worse. I know they're not, but I feel like I'm my own biggest critic. I'm so tough on myself and it kills me.
So, I got something I need to talk about. I've really been thinking about how my life is gonna play out. I don't see a problem in planning things. God can change them at anytime but I like having something to look forward to. My goal is to graduate from tech with a degree in sociology w/ a social work concentration. Then, while I'm working in that field I want to go to NSCC to get my associates in Occupational Therapy. It might sound crazy but I feel like I can do both jobs wonderfully and I've set my mind to it. Why should I have to pick one thing when I can impact people in 2 different places? This might seem crazy to you as well, but I've planned my life without ever finding a guy. I've been reading up on things and so far i'm seeing that if you're a single woman, you have to be 30 to adopt a child from many places. I've always wanted to adopt and I know that I can still do it without a husband. Which excites me. I'm nowhere near mature enough to have a child at the moment and I'm hoping by the time I'm 30, I'll be ready :) I love children and I've always wanted to be a mom. I hope God allows it. Just 11+ more years haha.
I know I said I'm okay without ever getting married, but it's something I've wanted. I'm so awkward around most guys so when I find a guy I can talk to and not worry about things, then that's pretty amazing. Which leads me to say that there's this guy I have a small crush on. He's a great guy and I met him because of myself, not through someone else or anything. That's not usually how it works. He seems like a great guy who loves the Lord and that excites me. I'm not getting my hopes up but I would like to at least be his friend. I don't have many of those these days. If I never get married or if i do, i'll be happy either way. I know what I want in life and I have multiple ways to keep myself on the path to getting it.
I screw up all the time. I'm not the prettiest and I'm not the skinniest. I have problems which make absolutely no sense. I comfort myself through food and I sing depressing songs when I'm happy. I'm not optimistic, but i'm not a pessimist. I believe in good things and I believe in ghosts. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I do so well at hiding my emotions when I need to. I love reading christian novels, but I love reading about vampires and werewolves. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm me. Love it or hate it. But I think I'm a pretty good person just the way I am.
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