It's been forever since I've felt this way...

I guess if you've been paying any attention to the things I saw on here and on facebook, then you know I've been sorta depressed for the past couple of weeks. It was a million different things contributing to that from important things such as school to stupid things such as a guy. Oh the joys of still being a teen. And yes, I can say that because I'm 19. I'm not fully matured into an adult... yet.... Actually, that might never happen :)

School was stressing me out because I wasn't getting the grades I wanted. I kept telling myself I was too stupid to do this. But now that I think about it, maybe it's not that i'm stupid. Maybe it's just not what I should be doing in my life. It's a tough thing to think about, but I'm not fully happy doing what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what I want to do and it freaks me out. I want a job that's gonna make me happy, not depressed. and That's what social work is going to do. It's going to bring me down so much. I already know this. But it's helping people like I want...... It's confusing.

When I said guy, i meant more than one. You see, there's that new guy I've been telling you about. That I really do want to be around and get to know better. It's so crazy how he fits so much into what I thought I wanted, but he always fits into things I didn't want. He's not perfect, no. But his imperfections make me like him too. His intelligence is amazing as well. I love it. There's never been a guy I've liked that talks about academic  based things. I'd love to have conversations about the useless things I know about :)

This all leads back to another guy. A guy that I've told myself to stay away from for obvious reasons including the fact that we're too different, but it doesn't seem to matter. He shows up but nothing ever happens. I'm thankful for that. But I get that feeling of connection with him and I have from the beginning. It's weird and I honestly don't like it. And I don't want to go back to liking some guy who I can't accept for who he is fully. There's just too many bad things going on in his life for me to deal with myself. So, I need to stay away from him which isn't hard to do and I'm confused why he keeps showing up like that in the most random moments. But he's no problem honestly. I just think about things way too much.

I could talk hours about my problems to people, but I'd never waste their time like that. I just want someone to tell me I'm not wrong in the way I feel about things. Because I feel like I should be content the way it is. I'm not exactly worried about the future. I'm just worried about the right now.