I've been feeling crazy the past few days. It's honestly hard to explain. Where do I begin?
One minute I feel completely alone and the next it's exactly what I want. I don't even know what's going on. I feel like I have alot to figure out that people just don't even know about. I'm torn between doing "what's right" and doing what I want to do. Funny thing. What I want is really the right thing. I know it is. I'm just so used to making everyone around me happy. I can't seem to break out of that. I can't even begin to tell you what I'm feeling right at this moment. I'm just so tired of living in the shadows. I want to live my life and I want to do it the way I know I need to do it. People wouldn't understand it at all. People would tell me I'm stupid and crazy.
Honestly, this all comes down to love. As stupid as that sounds, I love too much. I doubt myself because I think I'll never be good enough. It's so hard for me to believe someone when they say "I love you." I don't see why anyone would ever love me. I'm so messed up. I'm just so good at putting up this act where I pretend everything is wonderful. I'm getting pulled down though. Even while I'm surrounded by more love than I've ever had in my life, I just feel like I'm going deeper and deeper into that hole. This scares me. Why can't I believe that people love me? Why is so impossible to believe?
You want to know what I feel right now? I feel like worthless. I feel stupid and whatever else equals that. I feel like my heart is breaking for so many reasons. You want to know those reasons? I'm watching both of my grandfathers get worse and worse with their health and I can't imagine life without them. I see my family doing 200% better without me around. I see my dad building a new family that I'm not needed in. I see my college career going down the drain because I don't think this is for me. I want to get into my car and go somewhere that nobody knows me. I need to get out of here.
Tiphanie,
ReplyDeleteWhat you feel is real. Everyone feels confused about not only their life but their place in life. If you are not sure about your college career you need to know that no one would judge you if you took time off. Sometimes it is better to work on what you want out of life and take responsibilities on a need to basis. You are young and have your whole life before you. Smile and don't be afraid to make mistakes. Though you don't think so at this time...you are a strong woman and I am proud to call you my niece. I have always seen alot of me in you and I know you have what it takes to become even stronger. Love will come and go in your life. But you need to learn to love yourself. No one will ever love you as much as you can.