No Surprises.

I know I've talked about him before, but I'm going to dedicate this whole thing to him. This is all going to be hard for me to say. I might have said some of it before, but it's all going into this one right here. So here goes nothing....

You could say I've liked him for around a year. I convinced myself time and time again that nothing would ever happen. We're just friends. He had someone. She was a million times better than me. I was/am worthless. I would never be anything other than the good friend. Like always. I was used to that. I kept my feelings hidden because I knew I'd just look stupid if I ever voiced them.

I don't see how he didn't figure it out. Any chance I got to be around him, I was. Every time I got a text or phone call, I responded right away. Honestly, it was pathetic. I knew just talking to him would make me get those crazy thoughts again, but I didn't care. I wanted them. I wanted to pretend I was worth his time. But, as said before, he had someone that he loved. I knew I'd never ever be good enough for him. No matter what.

Months went by with no contact. I didn't like that. I thought it was probably for the best. Things happened at the end of the year and I tried to let him know I was there for him. No responses. Okay, that's cool. I prayed for him every day. Fast forward a couple of weeks.... I get a phone call. I told myself not to answer it. I knew I'd only be hurting myself. I knew those feelings would show up because they never really went away.

Here I am in this current situation. Those feelings are still there, but that doesn't seem to matter. I know I'll never be good enough. I think it mainly comes down to that I'll never be her. But I don't want to be her. I'm my own person and I know I'm not the greatest. I know I'm not pretty and skinny. I know I keep my feelings to myself most of the time because I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I know I'm insecure.

But... I also know that I love him. I didn't lie any of those times I told him either. He's one of my best friends. Of course I love him. In case he didn't realize it, I'd do anything for him. I try to do what I can. It's obviously not enough. All I can do is love him. And the love I feel is probably one of the most innocent feelings in the world. Here's where I start to get a little over the top. You might think I'm crazy.

I've never felt as comfortable around a guy as I do with him. He makes me happy just by being around. I love his smile. I love his laugh. Like I already said, I love him. I guess that might be what's hurting me so much too. I assume that I love him way more than he loves me. That's okay. I'm not surprised. if I could be around him every day, I would. I know he'd get tired of me though. I'm not worth the time he does give me.

I hate seeing him upset. There's usually nothing I can do to make it better though. I guess that's what bothers me the most. I'm trying to let him in. I'm trying to show him that I care. I just can't seem to do that without letting down my guards completely. Every time I think of doing that though, I think about Jason. I thought he couldn't bother me anymore. I was wrong.

I want it to be different this time. I want to let him in. I want him to know that I care. If it's what he wanted, I would leave this state right now. Just to get away. I wouldn't look back. I'm completely ready for a new beginning now. I need to get out of here. I need my past to stay right here and I don't want it back. I'm done. I don't need anything that's here.

You know, it's the little things that get me. We might just be friends, but I sometimes feel like it's more. When he holds my hand, I feel like I should never let go. When he hugs me, I can't even think straight. When he tells me he loves me, it makes me so happy. I finally feel like someone cares that doesn't have to. He's not family. He doesn't have to love me. He doesn't have to be around me at all. I know I'm not anything special, but he chooses to spend time with me. That's a miracle all by itself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so thankful for him. He's one of the best friends I could ever have. I guess my feelings are a little more than what I need them to be. We're just friends. I have to keep telling myself that. I can't make that stupid slip up like I did the other day and call him my boyfriend. We're only friends. Even though I've wanted more, it's probably never going to happen. I let myself get my hopes up. I thought I was worth it this time. Now, I get to tell myself how I'm only worth a friendship.

I'm tired of crying over things I can't change. I'm tired of loving people more than they love me. I know I should just worry about loving myself, but I can't. Especially not with him around. I feel a thousand times better when he's near. That sounds so crazy, I know. I just can't stop what feels right though. I'm guessing it's really just one-sided feelings though. That's what hurts the most. I guess I have to learn how to be happy with the "just friends" thing. That might take a while......

When I love somebody, that love never goes away. I learned that the hard way. So even if he decides to hate me, I'll still love him. Always.