Today has been one of those days where I've just thought about life. I know I do that most every day, but it was different this time. I was thinking about love and what it really meant to me. I was thinking about all the times I had felt love and all the times I didn't feel it. It's sad to say that for the past few years, there has been more of the times I haven't felt it.
Love. Companionship. All that good stuff. Yep, I want to discuss the good old fashioned type of love that exists between very few people these days. Call it true love or whatever. I just wanna say love. This love is something I'd love to experience one day. I realized that the "requirements" I used to have were based on stupid things and I haven't believed them for quite some time. It used to be the standard of I want a good guy. My definition was based on the stereotypical idea of a good guy. No drugs, no smoking, no drinking, goes to church all the time.... etc..... HOW WRONG WAS I? That all drastically changed around the time I was 14. No, i'm not saying those things aren't good qualities. They are. But good guys can have drug problems. Good guys can drink and smoke. Good guys can also not go to church. It's not those things that make people good. Definitely not. Some of the best people I know have had issues with these things. Some of the best people I know haven't been into a church for years. Good people are everywhere. Good people go through struggles, have addictions, lose faith or don't have it. Either way, they're good people.
You know what qualities I want in a guy? I'll tell you a few....
I want a guy who will watch the Sound of Music with me. I want him to fly kites with me. I want him to lay out in the yard with me at night and look at the stars. I want him to find old jars and poke holes in the top for us to catch lightning bugs in. I want to go on random weekend road trips just because we can. I wanna go hiking or walking those lame trails at Cedar Forest even though I've done that a million times. I wanna go to the fair every night it's in town and just walk around. I want a child-like love. I don't need gifts or anything like that. What I do need is quality time. I need to just be near that person every once in a while. I need that reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I also need words sometimes. I don't think that's asking for much. Sometimes, a simple "i love you" or whatever goes a long way. When I've been surrounded by my insecurities for the past 19 years, it would probably help.
Love is complicated and I don't understand it. I still haven't been able to open my heart completely to anyone. I can't blame anyone but myself. Holding onto my past has hurt me. It also hurts when I'm trying my best to move on and it just seems that my efforts aren't good enough.
It's hard sometimes to deal with myself. I overthink things and I hurt myself more than anyone else has hurt me. My mind wraps around these crazy ideas and I find out I'm totally wrong. I'm not perfect though. I'm gonna mess up. More than likely, I'll mess up alot. I just hope that one day my mistakes won't drive people I love away from me. I hope one day that I'm a good enough person for them to keep me around.
Idem
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