IDGAF.

I wish I could pretend I actually meant what my title says. Sadly, I can't. Today has been HORRIBLE for me. I don't want to say why because it's really nobody's business. Let's just say that my heart hurts really bad. I've cried SO MUCH since around 10 this morning. I almost did something stupid too, a few stupid things. I might as well tell you about them because I'm honest on these posts. This is where I can say whatever I want and I feel safe. Ok, stupid thing #1 - I closed my eyes while driving... I considered not opening them even though I knew there was a huge curve in front of me. Stupid? Yes. Stupid thing #2 -I get to my apartment and open my medicine cabinet.  I see a razor and though I've never cut myself, It crossed my mind for a few seconds. I just wanted the pain to go away. I still want it to go away but I would never do that. I promise. Stupid thing #3- I got mad at God. I told him I was done with everything. I also pretty much told him that I didn't believe he loved me if he was allowing me to be in this much pain. Gosh, I never wanted to be that person again and it happened. Stupid thing #4 - I almost texted HIM. Oh my goodness. He hates my guts now and I deleted his number a LONG time ago, but I still have it memorized. He was such a good friend though. I needed a friend today and there was nobody.

As you can see, today I have went crazy. I'm doing a little better. I had to go eat with my grandparents so I had to stop the tears for a few hours. It was easy though because I was trying to take care of them. They take my mind off of the bad things for a while. I'm still trying to not think about it. It's really hard not to though.

I'm just ready to go to sleep for a few weeks honestly. I can't take any more bad news. I think I'll seriously lose my mind if anything else possibly happens.......

I'll write more later....