It's Almost Easy.

I guess I'll start off saying that this is probably all very unexpected, but it's better if people know now. I'd rather you all be disappointed in me at one time. Get it over with, right?? 

I'm done being the person everyone wants me to be. I'm tired of trying when I'll always disappoint people. It's who I am. I can't be perfect and I can't believe I've tried this long. I want to make mistakes and do crazy things and LIVE. People will always find a fault in me even when I'm doing absolutely nothing wrong. So you know what? Screw it. I have to start doing what I want. 

Want honesty? Here it is.

I don't want to be in college. I didn't even want to go. Lucky me. I can pass classes without doing anything. But I don't want to be there. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. Right now, I just wanna do what I feel like doing. I know I have to grow up, but I had to be an adult my whole life. I'm ready for some freedom. I'm so sick of sitting in those stupid classrooms and not knowing why I'm even there. It's pointless. But I will get that degree. Just to show people I can do things. I'm over halfway done anyway. I might as well finish, right??

I don't want to be in this stupid town, this stupid county. It brings back tons of bad memories and as soon as I get here, I get stressed out over everyone else's problems. I have to learn how to stop trying to be the superhero for everyone. I gotta get out of here for a while. I WILL NOT let my past control me anymore. Sadly, that means I have to get away from here. Everywhere I go, there's memories that haunt me. 

I want to go back to New York. I loved the feeling of nobody knowing me there. I could have so easily just disappeared. I need that. I don't want people's expectations hanging over me anymore. I can't deal with it. I won't do it anymore. I won't do what makes them happy. 

You know what else I want? I want my dad to not have to ability to control things happening in my life. The fact that he's part of the reason guys don't think I'm worth it is just ridiculous. I'm my own person. He shouldn't be a deciding factor and yet he always is. This is the 3rd time. It's getting old. It's not my dad's fault though... Who do I blame??

Another thing: I'm sorry that people can't accept that I'm just a little messed up. I have insecurities. I'm trying to forget about them though and it's like nobody will give me a chance to do that. 

Mostly, this whole thing is just to say that I'm not some good wonderful person. I try to be that and I can't. Maybe I"m a good person, but it's just time that I mess up for a while. Let me do my own thing. I need to just live a little. 

I feel like I lost someone very important because I was so stuck in the role of trying to be perfect. I can't do it anymore. Maybe that's why he doesn't want me anymore. I wish I could change his mind, but I just don't fit according to him. But I'd rather go through a million bad days with him than one good day with someone else. He's worth it. He's worth every little bit of it. He just doesn't see it though. When I said I liked him, I wasn't just talking about the good things. I liked everything about him. I accepted the not so good things too. Why? Because I care more than he'll ever realize. I love him to death. I really do. I just wanna start my life over and I wanna do that with him. Crazy? Yeah, probably but I can't help the way I feel. He gives me reasons to try again. He gives me hope. I wish he'd just forget how things normally are and just see what happens. I might just be worth it. Who knows? But I lost that chance when I was too busy trying to be some overly good person. Stupid me.