Honestly, I'm done.

This is a rant of a bunch of different things. So have fun reading it.

 I have to have things paid and confirmed for Tech on August 14th. I have yet to be able to fill out my financial aid. Why? Well the person who has the tax information has failed to file yet and that's put me in a bad spot. I'm to the point where I really don't care anymore. I might just have to go get a loan by myself which will really suck because I don't know how to afford to pay $3500 to tech and pay rent/bills. I know I'm 20 years old but I can't do everything on my own yet.

I'm so stressed out about it. I do not want to have to drop out of college. At all. I also don't want to be stuck in this stupid little town any longer. Cookeville was my escape. I cannot come back here. I'll never get out.

I gotta start over because I am not where I wanted to be at this time in my life. At the beginning of this year, things were starting to be amazing and I messed that all up. I need it to go back to how it was. Or something even better.

I just hate the way things are right now. I'm just going thru the motions and trying to pretend things are okay. They are not okay. This is just ridiculous. Maybe I need therapy. Who knows?

Don't Hold Your Breath Too Tight....

Things have been..... crazy. I haven't had much time to write since I've been working all the time. I've been constantly thinking about the same things over and over....

Losing Pa was one of the worst things ever. While I'm super excited he's not hurting anymore, I miss him more and more everyday. He did so much for us and it's so hard on Gramma. It breaks my heart. It's also motivated me to be as successful as possible. He was such a great influence.

College.... I still haven't been able to fill out my fafsa which worries me. I'm freaking out. If I don't get my financial aid, there will be no college for me. Not good. It's something I have to do....

I've had my share of problems here lately. I thought I messed everything up with one of my best friends. Luckily, I didn't which makes me so happy. Obviously I'm worth all the crap I put him through. Funny. I never thought that was possible. I'm so glad I have such an understanding person in my life and I definitely gotta work on being better at expressing how I feel and whatnot. I miss that boy so much though and I can't wait until I get to see him again :)

God. Church. I feel like I'm backsliding. I have had to work every sunday for the most part. I've been pre-occupied by so much though. It sucks. I gotta get back on track.

Tattoo. Yep, I want one and I'm seriously considering it soon. I just have to save my money. I'm pretty confident in what I want.

This was pointless, but I had nothing better to do.

You're The Best. I Love You.

Well it's been a while since I've been able to write. Things have been crazy of course.

#1 -- Pa died on the 14th. Even with him gone, I still expect him to show up at any minute doing something for me. It's hard to believe he's gone. My wonderful grandfather who was more of a father to me than anyone could ever be. I know he's in a better place, but sometimes I just want him back here. I miss him so much.

#2 -- I hate my job. It's okay at times, but I hate when people want to make me feel stupid. That's just not cool at all. I'm quitting as soon as school starts back. I know what you're thinking... I should stay. I'm not going to be miserable though.

#3 -- Guys. Where would I be without them? I attempted to move on from the wonderful friend. I can't do that though. He's clearly the only person I want and I can't push my feelings for him onto someone else. Why? Simply because they aren't him. They're nowhere close to him. I wish it was easier to get over him, but I can't. It's sad..... Two guys showed up and they were entertaining for a while. I thought I might gain feelings for one of them. I was wrong. Why? Because he's a jerk... Eh, they both are obviously. I'm wasting my time.

#4 -- Today has just been an eye-opening day. I've learned that I just have to keep praying and stop doing stupid things. I know what feels right and I'm willing to wait for it.

I guess I don't have much to say other than that....

You Got That Something.

I work all the time. I don't have time to think about him. It's been nice. When I think about him, it consumes my every thought for hours. Everything reminds me of him. It's just... horrible.

I was hoping it would get easier for me. He's not around me anymore and he probably won't talk to me after he finally gets my Facebook message. I was a little too honest and that probably hurt things. He needed to know though. I had to tell him. I can't be good enough for him so I didn't have a choice. He might as well know everything and I don't expect him to ever talk to me again. It's going to be another Daniel thing, I'm sure. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do.

Now, I have two other problems. I don't really know what to do. I feel stuck and I have no way of getting out because everything I say or do leads me into a deeper hole. Life sucks at the moment.

Life. What is it?

I've questioned everything over the past 3 weeks. It's been crazy and unbelievable. It's made me wonder what I'm actually doing with my life and if I should change things. I guess I'll try to make sense of this on here.

1. Should I even be in college? A part of me feels like I'm wasting my time because I don't even know if social work is what I want to do. I'm trying to do this for my family, but I have no idea if it's even worth it.

2. I don't understand how people can keep trying to just use me to get what they want. Am I being too nice to people? I have no idea. I'm just tired of caring and then getting treated like crap.

3. Bad news: Pa's not doing so well. They say he has probably about 6 months to live. He's lived a good life and I'm trying to keep that in mind. It's hard, but I know I'll be okay. I just have to keep strong for everyone else.

4. I'm almost sure that I know what I want for my birthday. I want to get a tattoo. Shocking? Yeah, I know. I also know I'll get a lot of crap about it too, but I really just don't care anymore. It's what I want and I should just do it, right?? I also want to spend the day with Kyle. I doubt that'll happen, but I can dream right? I miss him so much. I promise that I won't make this post about him too though :)

5. So, here's the part where I shouldn't really talk about this, but I'm going to anyway.... The topic of sex has been brought up by two different people over the past few weeks. I don't know why, but I am apparently wanted in some way like that. I don't really know how to feel about that. Positive feelings because I'm not a total disgusting person?? Or negative feelings because that's the only way they see me?? I'll be the first to admit that I'm a virgin and I see nothing wrong with that. Reasons?? I want it to be with someone who cares and that I'll possibly marry, I don't want to have a child right now and nothing but abstinence is 100%, and it just complicates things. People don't think about consequences, but I do. I'd like to think that I'm level-headed. Nothing wrong with that, right?? I'm just.... confused.....

6. I hate that people automatically think I'm some perfect person. They think I'm so perfect and they also seem to think that I'm so conservative and believe what most of these stupid people around here think. WRONG! I don't see a problem with people having sex before marriage. I wouldn't be here without it. Simple as that. I don't think you should jump into bed with just anyone, but if you care then go for it I guess. Not my problem. Also, the whole same sex thing is annoying. I might be a christian, but if two people love each other then just leave them alone and let them be happy. It's not hurting you in any way so stay out of it. I don't know what else to say about it. Alcohol: go for it. As long as you're not some certified drunk, then I don't see the problem is drinking every once in a while. Don't make it a priority and don't be stupid about it. Just be smart. I'm done ranting about things now.

7. I am making friends!! This might not seem important, but I've lost most contact with all of my friends lately. Why? I don't really know. I am making new friends though and it's been nice. I won't lie. I like having these new people in my life because they don't know my past and they won't unless I decide to tell them about it. It's like a new start. It's rather nice. People who don't know about Jason = great :)

I guess I'm done for a while... I haven't written so I thought I'd just share what's on my mind.

Give Your Heart A Break.

I've been extremely busy the past week. I got a job at Hardee's. Nothing fantastic, but it's a job and money. I've made a few friends there too which is awesome. It's keeping my mind off the craziness that's surrounding me at the moment.

Pa's doing alot better than he was which is a wonderful thing. Seeing him so sick just wasn't something I wanted  to see. As selfish as this sounds, I didn't want to be around him either. I couldn't lose him. Too much had went on the past 2 weeks and I was determined to keep a level head somehow and refused to believe he was dying.

Today was a good day for me. A really good day. I went to see Pa, went to work, had a long talk with a new friend, and totally made it to my goal of leaving HIM alone for a week. I shouldn't have text him, but I did anyway. All i said was "I miss you." I didn't expect a response. I got one though which made me very happy :)

I know it's going to take alot to get over things and try to be happy. I was happy today though. Which is a start. I just have to take it day by day. It hurts every day, but I'm not crying all the time anymore. It's getting a little better.

I'm Only Hurting Myself.

I'm trying to be happy and move on from the things that are crushing me at the moment. It's extremely hard and I don't want to do that though. I just don't feel like I should give up that this could work out. I really think it could. They say when you love someone, you don't give up. Why do I always have to believe that stupid quote?

I understand that I'm not good enough. I never was and never will be. It hurts, but I can't do anything about it. It just would have been a whole lot easier if he never would have said that he liked me. Because I still have that stupid idea in my head that we're gonna be together and we're not. He just wants to be friends. Just stupid friends. What happens when he gets a girlfriend? I get to be the good friend and tell him that I'm so happy for him. Yeah, not something I want to do. I just wanna be with him. That's it.

And here I am being stupid. Wanting to hang out with him every possible minute of the day. Talk to him any time I can. Why can't I just accept that I'm not good enough for him? I really am the biggest idiot.

I guess that's what I get for going against my rules. I said no more guys. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't wanna feel the way I feel now. I never wanted the feeling of not being good enough. But it's here again...

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.... Probably not. I still won't be good enough.